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English Jokes Part 2

Modern technology

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says "Oh, that's the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat.

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. "A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna inserted in my spine. The wonders of German know-how!

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese guy disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peek into the bushes, where they find the Japanese guy, squatting with his pants down around his ankles "What on earth are you doing?!" asks the American. The Japanese fellow looks up and replies "Waiting for a fax".

Understated

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked: "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

Chinese wedding night

A Chinese couple get married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My dalling, I know dis you firt time and you flighten... I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?"

"I wanna numma 69" she replies. "You wanna beef with bloccolli?"

Texan holiday in australia

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says: "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large." Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.

The Texan immediately says: "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks: "And what are those?" The Aussie replies with an incredulous look: "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Crowd pleasers

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you a ten bucks that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says: "Watch this". So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says: "I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her.

Europeans

There is a beautiful desert island in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:

* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman,
* 2 French men and 1 French woman,
* 2 German men and 1 German woman,
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman,
* 2 English men and 1 English woman,
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman,
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman and
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman.

One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere...

The 1st Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman....

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois"....

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The 2 Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of Coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any....

Australian radio

A Queensland Radio Station, QFM, were running a competition to find contestants who could come up with words that were not found in any English Dictionary. Yet could still use these words in a sentence that would make logical sense; the prize being a return trip for two to Bali for a week. The DJ, Sam, had many callers, the following two standing out:

DJ : QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi me name's Dave.
DJ: Dave , what is your word?
Caller: Gaan spelt G A A N.
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct Dave, Gaan is certainly a word not found in the English dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?
Caller: Gaan fuck yourself! Ha Ha Ha.

At this point the DJ cuts the caller short and announces that there is no place for that sort of language on a family show. After many more unsuccessful calls the DJ takes the following caller:

DJ: QFM, what's your name?
Caller: Hi me name's Jeff.
DJ: Jeff , what is your word?
Caller: Smee spelt S M E E.
DJ: We are just checking that (pause) and you are correct Jeff, Smee is certainly a word not found in the English Dictionary. Now the next question, for a trip for two to Bali, is: What sentence can you use that in that would make logical sense?

Caller: Smee again! Gaan Fuck yourself! Ha Ha Ha!

The urinal

Three men were using the urinals in a public restroom in the UK. The first man finished relieving himself, zipped up, strolled to the sinks and proceeded to wash his hands, using plenty of soap and water and doing a splendidly thorough job. As he was drying his hands (with lots of paper towels), he loftily announced to no one in particular "At Oxford, I learned to be clean and sanitary." The man then left the bathroom in a cloud of self-satisfaction.

The second gent zipped up, marched briskly to the sinks, and scrubbed his hands with much less soap and water than the first man, doing a splendidly thorough job nonetheless. As he was drying his hands (with only one paper towel), he severely announced to no one in particular," At Cambridge, I learned to be clean and sanitary, but I ALSO learned to be thrifty and environmentally conscious." He then strode from the bathroom with a purposeful air.

The third man finished relieving himself, zipped up, and ambled past the sinks to the door, muttering to himself: "In Australia, we learn not to piss on our hands."

Price of life

An Australian, an Englishman and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the Australian, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened. "Well," said the Australian, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Englishman and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?" "Last I saw them," replied the Australian, "the Englishman was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his."

Beer drinking

One day an Australian, an South African, and a Englishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Victoria Bitter. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The South African pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Australian fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Englishman picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling: "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

Chinese dictionary

Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Ai No Pei - I got this for free
Ar U Wun Tu - A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
Dum Gai - Stupid Man
Dung On Mai Shu - I stepped in excrement
Fat Ho - An unattractive woman
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hao Long Wei Ting? - Has your flight been delayed?
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia Nao - See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia - Approach me
Lao Ze - Not very good
Lei Lo - Stay out of sight
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs or a brand of car
No Bai Dam Thing!! - Your price is too high!
No Pah King - This is a tow away zone.
Shai Gai - A bashful male
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice
Wai Yu So Tan? - Did you go to the beach?
Wai So Dim? - It's very dark in here
Wai Hang Mi? - I am not guilty
Wai Go Nao? - Please, stay a while longer
Wai Yu Kum Nao - Our meeting was scheduled for next week.
Wai Yu Mun Ching? - I thought you were on a diet
Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? - Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena?
Yu So Dum - You are not very bright.

Stupid wives?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says: "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty dumb, but says his wife is dumber. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tinkof it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there... And she doesn't even have a penis!"

The european union commission

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letter s, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

The bar drunk

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk," and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls." With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says: "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Lost at sea

Two men were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out: "Make the entire ocean into beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Best friends

San and Dan were friends for more than 30 years. Their friendship had weathered innumerable arguments. However, Stan being the more intelligent one, had fared better than Dan in business, which was a constant source of irritation to Dan. Stan was on his death bed with Dan hovering over him. Apparently in his last few moments, Stan called Dan close to him and said,

"Dan, you know we've been friends for 30 years now. I have this one last wish which only you, my friend, can grant. Will you do it ?" "Just tell me what it is Stan" said Dan, "and I'll do it happily. Anything for you, my friend." "You know Dan, there's this bottle of the finest whisky which I have been saving for the last 15 years. I want you to pour it over my grave when I'm gone. Will you do it ?" "Sure thing Stan," said Dan, "But would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first ?"

The irish drinker

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Beer groaners

- A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "No charge."

- Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says: "I think I've lost an electron." The other says: "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive."

- Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them: "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him: "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

- A three legged dog walks into a bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

- A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here."

- A termite walks into a bar and says: "Is the bar tender here?"

- This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says: "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies: "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

- This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What'll ya have..." The seal says: "Anything but a Canadian Club."

- A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says: "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says: "Because you can't hold your liquor."

- Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted.

- Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma," said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "That'll be one blood and one blood lite."

The reason I drink beer

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded: "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Why drink beer?

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills off brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The results of this in-depth epidemiological study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and working performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most of them cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Be all that you can be.

Beer conference

In Amsterdam, a world wide convention of brewers was held. The presidents of many of the world's greatest breweries were on hand, and many of them decided to go out for dinner together on the first evening. The waiter asked what they would like to drink, and the CEO of Miller's said: "A Miller's Light please!" The president of Budweiser asked for a "Bud!". Adolph Coors requested a "Coors." And so it went, around the large table, each president asking for the brew from his own company.

Finally, the waiter came to Arthur Guinness. "And you sir?" he queried. "I'll have a Coke!" was Guinness's reply. "A Coke??!?" The waiter was shocked. "Wouldn't you rather have a Guinness, sir?" Arthur looked at the waiter, and gestured to his companions. "Well," he said, "If they're not drinking beer, then neither will I!"

Jesus and the old man

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when St. Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and in a few minutes he saw an old, old man approach. This man was OLD! He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. When Jesus asked if he could help, the old man advised him in a shaky voice that he was looking for his son. Jesus wanted to help but didn't think he could as there were millions of people there.

"I know I can identify him very easily by the holes in his hands and feet," states the old man. Jesus does a double take and says, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus and says: "Pinocchio?"

Three blokes and the chinaman

There were these three blokes sitting on the high cliffs of a lonely beach, with a rope going down into the surf and a Chinaman frantically trying to climb up. While they were sitting there a Priest walks along, looks over and says: "God bless you children, that's Christianity at work. May the lord bless you both," and then kept on walking.

One bloke looks at the other: "Who the fuck was that?" "Oh," said the other bloke, "that's Father Johnston. He knows all there is about the bible." The other bloke looked around and quickly says: "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing."

The stoning

Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said: "Those amongst you who have no sin shall throw the first stone." A man at the back of the crowd yelled: "Jesus, you always want to go first!"

A few games of pool

Mick's wife was furiously humping away with her husbands best mate Peter when suddenly the phone rang. She hopped out of bed and returned to the sweaty sheet after a brief conversation. "Who was it? The back stabbing buddy asked. "On, that was Mick." She replied calmly. "Oh shit, I'd better be going then!: he said. "Did Mick say where he was?" "Relax - he's down at the pub, playing a few games of pool with you."

Two mates

Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they were greeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard. Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick, so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy. The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some good news and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone. "Well, give me the good news first," replied the other. "The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply. "And the bad news?" "Mine died," said his mate.

Six dicks

Six mates were seated at the bar, each trying to impress one another with the size of their dicks. The bragging went on for almost an hour, and the bartender got tired of hearing that shit, so he said, "Let's put an end to all this crap and find out who's lying and who isn't. Each of you whip out your dong and lay it on the bar." All six of then did. Just at that moment a faggot walked into the bar, and the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink. The queer looked down the bar, and in a lisping voice, he said, "No thanks, I'll just have some of the buffet."

Italian rape

A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Italian." She wailed. "How do you know it was an Italian? The detective asked. "I had to help him," the girl replied.

Slut

Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd had the previous night with this bloke she brought home. "Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said. "And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked. "I told him to get out of my bedroom and take his eight mates with him!" Mary said.

Angels singing

The priest was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church. When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice.

"Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?" "Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts." "Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!" "Of course not reverend," she said. Your not plugged in yet."

The truckload

Two Irish farmers bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one dollar apiece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all their melons for the same price they'd paid for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realise they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda got a bigger truck."

Racial prejudice

A Primary school teacher told her pupils that if they could answer a question, they could go to lunch early. She asked little Mary in the front row: "What did you do at morning tea Mary?" Mary replied that she had played in the sand pit. "Okay Mary, "said the teacher. "If you can spell sand for me, you can go." So Mary spelt out "S -A - N -D" and off she went. Then she asked Johnny: "What did you do at morning tea Johnny?" Johnny replied that he'd played in the sand pit too. So the teacher said: "If you can spell pit for me, you can go too." So Johnny spelt out "P - I - T" and took off as well.

There was a little Vietnamese boy down the back of the class and she said to him: " Ho Chi Min, what did you do during morning tea?" Ho Chi Min replied that he'd wanted to play in the sand pit, but the other kids wouldn't let him, so the teacher said: "Okay Ho Chi, if you can spell Racial Prejudice for me, you can go too..."

The wallet

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskin's he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to a Leather goods Manufacture and says to the man "Can you do anything with these". The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman "After sixty years, the best you can do is a wallet!" The man replies "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

Live saver

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. James, you records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home." he said. "I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

The christmas angel

The tradition of putting an angel on the top of the Christmas tree has an interesting origin, according to researchers. It seams that Santa Claus had the flu, his wife hadn't given him any for a week, Donner and Blitzen had an argument and weren't pulling together, and the elves were threatening to strike and refused to fix a runner on the sleigh. Then, on top of all that, Santa learned that Mrs. Claus's mother was coming to visit them.

There was a knock at the door. When the old gent opened it, he say a little angel standing outside. "Hi Santa," piped the visitor cheerfully. "I've brought your Christmas tree, cash on delivery . Where should I put it?"

Great jobs

A bloke walked up to a hooker and asked how much she charged for a hand job. "$100," she replied. "Fuck," said the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?" "See that Porsche parked over there?" she said. "I own it because I give the best hand jobs in town." The bloke thought that this was OK and agreed to the fee. The hand job went on for hours. The bloke loved it so much that he asked how much she charged for a head job. "$250," she replied. "Fuck!" sighed the bloke. "That's a bit rich isn't it?"

"See that block of units behind the Porsche?" said the whore. "I paid for that with cash because I give the best head jobs in town." "Crikey," said the bloke. "I'll give that a go." When the pro finished the best head job the bloke had ever had, he asked her how much for the real thing. "See that factory behind the block of units?" she asked. "Yeah," replied the bloke. "Well," she sighed, "That'd be mine if I had a pussy!"

Falling bricks

Two blokes were inspecting a high-rise building site and started talking to a worker. "I'll show you two how to make and easy dollar,' said the workman. "Watch this." He dropped a brick off the building and yelled, "Falling brick!" A lady moved out of the way and the three men rushed down to see if she was OK. "Oh, thanks for the warning," she said. "Here's $50."

The inspectors thought this was excellent. When they got back to the top of the building one of the inspectors threw a brick off, yelled "Falling brick!" and pocketed $100. The second inspector had a bit of a stutter but he liked a bit of fun. "I-I-ll h-h-avh a g-go," he said. He pushed the brick off and yelled: "F-f-f ... Fuck - got him!"

Let him pay

A woman went to a lawyer to discuss divorcing her husband. "Don't you love him anymore?" asked the lawyer. "Oh, I still love him," the chick replied. "But all he ever wants is sex, I can't take it." "Instead of divorcing him why don't you let him pay every time he wants to make love?" the lawyer suggested. The exhausted wife decided to give the plan a try.

As soon as she walked into the house that night her husband put the hard word on her. "Not so fast," she replied. "From now on it'll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom." "Well, then," he said. "Here's $50." The wife began walking to the bedroom. "Hold on," he said, grabbing her hand. "That'll be five times in the kitchen!"

Taxi driver

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket - If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said: "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me (oral sex) during the way?" "What?! Get Out out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

The trumpet player

Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding. The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action.

Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers: "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back: "We're here to see our dog."

First job

A man goes in to a bar and orders twelve shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses on the bar, then fills them with whiskey. Quickly the man downs one after the other until he has finished all twelve. "Well, pal," says the bartender, "What are you celebrating?"

"My first blow job," says the man. "Oh, in that case," says the bartender, "let me buy you one more!" "Nah," says the man, "If twelve will not get the taste out of my mouth then nothing will."

All I want

A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his pants and says: "I have one of these and you don't." The little girl starts crying and runs home to her mother. The next day the little boy and the same little girl are playing.The boy points to his private parts and once again says: "I have one of these and you don't." But, the little girl just keeps on playing.

The boy says: "How come you are not crying." "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these I can get as many of those as I want."

The filly

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing the next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around her rump to keep the stallion away. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's no where to be found.

He follows her trail to the neighboring farm, and says to the kid in the field: "Hey, boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her rump?" The kid says: "No, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass."

Stranded

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he is doing airight. But after a few months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to look more and more attractive -- soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. Hut every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to health.

Finaly she is well enough to waik and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." The guy thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!

It was 5:00 in the morning at the U.S. Marine boot camp, well below freezing, and the soldiers were asleep in their barracks. The drill sergeant walks in and bellows: "This is an inspection! I wanna see you's all formed up outside butt naked NOW!" So, the soldier's quickly jumped out of bed, naked and shivering, and ran outside to form up in their three ranks. The sarge walkedout and yells: "Close up the ranks, conserve your body heat!" So they close in slightly... The captain comes along with his swagger stick. He goes to the first soldier and whacks him right across the chest with it. "DID THAT HURT?" he yells.

"No, Sir!" came the reply. "Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" The captain is impressed, and walks on to the next man. He takes the stick and whacks the soldier right across the rear.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, Sir!" Still extremely impressed, the captain walks to the third guy, and sees he has an enormous erection. Naturally, he gave his target a huge WHACK with the swagger stick.

"Did THAT hurt?"

"No, Sir!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the guy behind me, Sir!"

The Bum

A bum asks a man for two dollars. The man asked: "Will you buy booze?" The bum said: "No." The man asked: "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said: "No." Then the man asked: "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Marriage Humour

A man bought his wife a new car. She called and said: "There was water in the carburetor." He said: "Where's the car?" She said: "In the lake."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied: "Yes, I am I married the wrong man."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband: "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied: "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife: "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says: "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

The Funeral Service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the fucking wall!'''

The Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path. Before long, along came this little old man. The son said: "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said: "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said: "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, dad. Let's eat her." "No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either." "Why not?" asked the son. "Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Guru

One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives. Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true", said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world". Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!" Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: "Who the hell is Bill Clinton!!???"

Pants and knickers

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" , said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said: "Hell, I can't get into your knickers!" She said: "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your goddamn attitude changes!"

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous 18 wheeler truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You sign!" Nelson says to him: "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under nelsons nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!" Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, sod off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little Chinese man thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts. Nelson loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?" The little Chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

The wristwatch

A teenage girl came home from her first date and her mother, who had been waiting up anxiously, asked if it had gone well. The girl said she'd had a really good time, adding that her date was a lovely boy and a real gentleman. "Oh, yes, sure," said the mother. "I've heard all that before, believe me." "Do give over, Mum," said the girl, "you never have a kind word to say about any of my friends. But this boy's different. Look at this lovely watch he gave me."

The girl proudly held up a wristwatch for inspection. The mother stared at it for a moment, then exclaimed: "But it's only the case! There's no mechanism!" "Not to worry," said the girl. "He's promised that when we go out next Saturday night he's going to give me the works."

One month to live

You're in terrible shape," the doctor told his patient, "and unless you make some drastic changes to your lifestyle, you'll be dead in a month." "Struth!" the bloke exclaimed. "What do you want me to do?" "Well," said the doctor, "first, you must get your wife to cook you regular, nourishing meals. Then you've got to stop worrying all hours. Tell your wife you have to budget carefully, cut down on her spending, and make sure she keeps the kids quiet while you're at home so you can relax. No mowing the lawn, no doing the shopping, no helping the missus move the furniture around. "It's either that or you'll be dead by the end of next month."

"I dunno, doc," the patient said. "I can't just dump all that on the wife with no warning. It would sound better coming from you. Could you give her a ring and tell her what you just told me?" "No worries," the doctor assured him. When the bloke arrived home, his wife rushed up to him. "The doctor rang," she said. "Oh, you poor thing! Only a month to live!"

The driving test

"I've got good news and I've got bad news," the wife told her husband when she came home from taking her driving test. "The good news is I got 18 out of 20 on the test," she said. "And the bad news is, they were pedestrians."

The sanitary truck

In a little country town, the sanitary truck was on its way back to the depot with a full load when it was forced to swerve violently to avoid a wandering cow. The truck skidded, and its load was flung out and spread all over the road. The driver, cursing and swearing, was busily shovelling the mess back into the truck when a car driven by a tourist pulled up.

The tourist got out and stared at the scene of the disaster. "Had an accident?" the tourist asked. "No, mate," snarled the truck driver. "It's bloody stocktaking time again!"

Pub arthritis

Then there was the bloke whose doctor told him he had pub arthritis. "Pub arthritis?" said the bloke, "what's that?" "Well, it's like this," said the doctor, "every night you get stiff in a different joint."

The flat tyre

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a car parked at the verge, and a woman standing beside it waving him down. The motorist stopped and got out. "What's the problem?" he asked. "Can I help?" "I've got a flat tyre," said the woman. "I don't know what to do." "Not a problem," the man responded, taking off his coat and rolling up his sleeves. "If you just open up your boot we'll get out your spare and the jack and we'll have you on your way in no time."

So the man jacked woman's car and changed the wheel for her. And as he was finishing the job, she said: "Please be careful when you let the jack down. Do it gently... my husband's asleep in the back seat.

Toothpaste

"Mummy, mummy," asked the excited child, "do you know how much toothpaste is in a tube?" "No, I don't," the mother replied. "Well, I do," the little boy said proudly. "It stretches all the way from the bathroom to the sofa."

Insomnia

A bloke phoned the local doctor at four in the morning. "Hello?" the doctor yawned. "Sorry to bother you, doc," said the bloke, "but I've got this terrible insomnia." "So what are you trying to do?" demanded the doctor. "Start an epidemic?"

The tourists and the bushie

A group of tourists up from the city were bashing through the bush in their four-wheel- drives when they suddenly realised they were so far off the beaten track they were utterly lost. They drove around in ever-widening circles for a while, and eventually found a crude bush hut inhabited by a crude bush man. "Excuse me, mate," one of the tourists asked the bushie "but do you know the way back to Nowra?" "Nah," the bushie replied.

"Well," said the tourist, "do you know if there's anyone else living round here?" "Nah," the bushie replied. "Do you know how we can get out of here?" the tourist asked. "Nah," the bushie replied. "You don't know very much do you?" said the tourist. "Nah," said the bushie, "but then, I ain't lost."

Replacement

A bloke has a horrific car accident and wakes up in hospital, with a doctor on one side of him and his wife on the other. The doctor tells the bloke that he has been in this horrific car accident and is lucky to be alive, the only thing is that they had to amputate this blokes penis. The doctor told him not to worry as if he went private it could be replaced. The doctor warned him however that it could be very expensive. He said that if he paid 1000 he could have a small one that didn't do very much, was mainly for decoration, but was better than nothing. If he was prepared to spend 4000 he could have one that was considerably bigger and rose to the occasion once in a blue moon or if he could afford 8000 he could have a very big one that would rise whenever required.

The bloke became very excited and said, thats the one I want, but as it's so expensive I will have to discuss it with the wife. After a short discussion he said to the doctor, my wife and I have discussed the situation and we have decided we'll get a new kitchen.

Black Jack

A bloke went into the casino to play Black Jack. On his first hand he got a 10 & 7. "Stick" said the player to the dealer. A genie popped out of the players pocket & said "No twist, twist, trust me". The player said twist and a 2 turned up. 19 he thought, I'll stick, but the genie popped his head ou again & said "Twist, Twist, trust me."

The player said twist and and Ace turned up. Great he thought, I'll stick on 20. However the Genie said "Twist, Twist", the player thought the genie must know what the cards were so asked the dealer for another card. Another Ace turned up, 21. The genie then said "You lucky bastard".

Bridge



What has sex and a game of bridge got in common? If you've got a good hand you don't need a partner.

The bet

Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd: "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The Shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.

"Wait," says the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well, put down my dog and I'll tell you . . ."

Hurricanes

Why do they name Hurricanes after women??

Coz when they come they are wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

Glen Hoddle

A businessman on his way home from the centre of London came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself: "This traffic seems worse than usual; Nothing's even moving" He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Excuse me Officer, what's the hold up?" The Officer replies: "Glen Hoddle became so depressed about losing his job, he's stopped his Mercedes in the middle of the A40 and he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says everyone hates him, he doesn't have the England job any more and he doesn't have the income to support himself. I'm walking round taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really?" says the business man "How much have you collected so far?" "So far only about three hundred gallons but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning"

Never twice

A South African, an Aussie and a Londoner were sitting in a pub having a pint of beer. The South African grabs his beer downs it, tosses his glass into the air, draws a handgun and shoots the glass in mid-air. He grins to the other two, puts the gun down on the bar and says "In Souff Efrika we haf so many glasses we never drink out of the same glass twice."

The Aussie then downs his beer throws his glass into the air, grabs the gun off the bar, shoots the glass, puts the gun back on the bar and proclaims "Ay mate, in Oz we have so much sand which makes glass really cheap so we too never drink out of the same glass twice."

The Londoner looks at the two of them, finishes his beer, puts the glass down on the bar, picks up the gun, shoots both the Aussie and the South African and says "In London we have so many South Africans and Aussies that we never have to drink with the same one twice."

The Scotch student

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him. "And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?" Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

The fingers

Jon's working at the lumber mill, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. Afraid he'll pass out, he races to the emergency room. The doctor takes one look and says: "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says: "But I haven't got my fingers any more." The doctor says: "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is 2003. We've got microsurgery and I know all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says: "Well, Doc, since it's the twenty-first century and you've got all that knowledge, maybe you could show me how I could have picked 'em up."

The three top-models in the plane

Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a supermodels conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost all power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing, please assume the brace position immediately!" The three models look at each other and start preparing for the worst. Claudia quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Rachel ask: "What the hell are you doing fixing your make-up, we are about to fucking crash!" Claudia responds: "Well I know for a fact that rescue workers search for, and save first, people who have the best looking faces, so that's why I am putting on my make-up."

Immediately Rachel Hunter rips open her blouse to expose the beautiful mounds of flesh, which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel have you lost your bloody senses?? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see, we are aboutto die!" Rachel responds: "I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts first - so that's why I am getting my tits out!"

Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls down both her skirt and pants, thus exposing her female 'love triangle'. Freaking out, Claudia and Rachel yell: "Naomi - Are you fucking crazy??Why are you exposing your pussy for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "I know for a fact that the first thing rescue workers always look for in plane crashes, is the black box!!"

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they should get together and play a few holes. 'You play golf?' asks Tiger. Stevie says, 'Yes I have been playing for years.' 'But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?' Tiger asks. 'I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway, and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and then I play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie goes and stands on the green or further down the fairway, and again I play the ball towards his voice.' explains Stevie.

'But how do you putt?' asks Tiger . 'Well,' says Stevie, 'I get my caddie to lay down and call to me with his mouth just behind the hole'. Tiger says, 'I'm impressed, whats your handicap?'. 'Well I play off scratch', Stevie assures Tiger . So Tiger says to Stevie 'We must have a game soon'. Stevie says, 'Well people dont take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole.' Tiger thinks about it for a minute then says, 'Ok, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?' 'I dont care' Stevie replies, 'Any night next week is Ok with me.'

Two whales

Two whales were swimming along looking for fish to eat, when they noticed a large fishing boat catching all their food. The male whale said to his partner: "I've got a plan! Let's swim under the boat and blow our spouts as hard as we can. When the boat capsizes, we'll eat everything and everyone that falls into the water."

The female whale weighed up the situation, then shook her head: "I don't mind the blow job," she said, but I draw the line at swallowing seamen!".

The young boy and his father

A young boy and his father were out walking through the local park, when the boy noticed a bee. Without hesitation, he ran up to it and stamped on it, killing it instantly. His father said: "That wasn't very nice! Bees make honey and you like honey. Just for that there will be no honey for a week." As they continued walking along, the boy noticed a butterfly. Once again, he ran up to it and stamped on it, killing it instantly. His father said: "That's not very nice, just for that there will be no butter for a week."

When they arrived home, Mum was cooking in the kitchen. Suddenly she noticed a cockroach on the kitchen floor and ran up to it and stamped on it, killing it instantly. The young boy looked at his father and said: "Should you tell her Dad or should I?"

The old lady and the naked man

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I've just glanced out of my window and seen a naked man." The receptionist, immediately rushed up to the little old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to a block of flats opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on moving around his flat. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," said the receptionist reassuringly, "and how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up." "The wardrobe!" screamed the little old lady, "try standing on the wardrobe!"

The nuns and the devil

Two nuns were driving along a secluded country lane, when all of a sudden, the devil leapt out of a hedge and landed on the car bonnet. Panic stricken, the two nuns clung together as the devil leapt up and down on their car.

Finally, one of the nuns said: "I know Sister, why don't you show him you're cross?" "Excellent idea, I'll do just that," said the other nun. So she leaned out of the car window and yelled "Get the fuck off my bonnet - you evil bastard!"

Pricks

Whilst on holiday in England, an American tourist was taken to hospital by his wife after losing an argument with a 10-stone Rottweiler. After cleaning his wounds, the doctor told the American he'd have to have a tetanus jab. "I can't have a tetanus jab!" yelled the American, "I'm terrified of needles!" "Don't worry," replied the doctor, "it's only a small needle, and it won't hurt a bit - just ask the nurse"

"Is this true, honey?" said the American, to a beautiful young drop-dead English nurse: "Yes, perfectly true," replied the nurse, smiling "it's only a small prick, you won't even feel it - in fact you'll probably piss yourself laughing." "How do you know that, honey?" enquired the American bloke. "Well," replied the nurse, "when I worked in America I had hundreds of little pricks, and all they ever did, was make me laugh"!

Like the father

A woman was walking along pushing her new born baby in its pram when she was approached by an old friend. The woman leaned over, peered into the pram and said: "What a beautiful baby boy, he looks just like his father."

"I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

The young man in the pharmacy

A young man had suffered for years with a permanent hard-on. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get it to go down. In desperation, he went to the local chemist's, where he was greeted by a female pharmacist. "I'd like to speak to the male pharmacist, it's a bit personal," said the man. The woman replied: "There is no male pharmacist. I run this pharmacy with my sister. We're both professionals, so anything you can tell a man, you can tell us."

"OK," he replied, "I've got a permanent hard-on, and I wondered what you could give me for it." "Hmmm," she replied, "if you wait there, I'll just go and have a word with my sister." A minute later, she returned and said to the man: "We'll give you 20,000 and half the business"!

The sex maniac

A man was peacefully drifting off to sleep when suddenly, his wife shouted at the top of her voice: "You're a sex maniac, aren't you, you filthy pervert?"

The man, slowly turned round to face his wife and replied: "If that's the case, why don't you get out of this bed and take your bloody sisters with you!"

Suffering

A young couple were on the brink of divorce when they decided to visit a marriage guidance counsellor. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the counsellor. "It's my husband," replied the woman, "he suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor sympathetically looked at the woman's husband and enquired: "Is that true?" The husband replied "Well, not exactly, it's her that suffers, not me"!

Boy or girl?

Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling. "What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out." He carefully manoeuvred himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the bedclothes. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly. "You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?" "It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones"!

A pint

A bloke walked into a pub and ordered a pint of lager. After being given his pint, he took one sip, slammed down his pint on the bar, and shouted: "Piss," before storming out of the pub. The next night, the same bloke walked into the pub, ordered a pint of lager, took one sip, and once again shouted: "Piss," before storming out. This continued every night for a week, until the landlord decided he'd had enough.

As the bloke approached the bar, the landlord shouted: "Piss off". The bloke stared at the landlord in disbelief. "OK then," he replied, "I'll. have a pint of bitter!!!"

The secret of whole-meal bread

Two old men were sat in a pub having a conversation about sex, when one said to the other: "Last night, I shagged a beautiful 30-year-old blonde, over a dozen times." "You're joking," replied the second, "I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?" "Well," said the first, "the secret is to eat lots of whole-meal bread."

"Really!," exclaimed the second. So, early the next morning, he rushed to the local bakers and said to the assistant: "I'd like six loaves of whole-meal bread, please." "That's a lot of bread," she replied, "it's sure to get hard before you've finished with it!" The old man replied: "I can't believe it, does everyone know about this except me?"

Twelve daughters

A couple had been trying to have a son for years without success. Instead, they'd produced 12 beautiful daughters. Eventually, however, they were rewarded with a lovely son.

When a family friend went to visit the proud parents on the maternity ward, she enquired: "Who does he look like?" The mother replied: "We don't know yet, we haven't looked at his face"!

Hold your youth

Two middle-aged Hollywood actresses were having a quiet drink in a bar, when one said to the other: "Do you want to know how to keep yourself in shape, and hold onto your youth?" "Go on then," said the second actress.

"Well," said the first actress, "always make sure you lock him in the bedroom!"

10% less

A bloke took his car to a second-hand car dealers and asked if they were interested in buying his battered old Vauxhall for 500. The salesman inspected the car and offered him 10% less than his asking price. The bloke, who wasn't very good with figures, said he'd go away and think about it. Later that night, he went to his local pub. He was sat at the bar thinking about the salesman's offer, when the barmaid asked him what he was deep in thought about.

The bloke said: "If I offered you 500 less 10% what would you take off?" The barmaid hesitated for a moment then said: "Everything except my ear-rings!"

Heaven or hell

Once upon a time, a rather stoney-faced and cold, celibate clergyman died. Not long after, his best friend followed suite, and also died. On arrival at the pearly gates, the clergyman's friend was surprised to see the clergyman sat with two beautiful buxom blonde women sat on his knee, and with an equally attractive brunette, sticking her tongue in his ear - all three were clearly trying to seduce him.

"I see you're being well looked after," said the friend. "I didn't realise Heaven was meant to be so good."  With a depressed look on his face, the clergyman said: "I'm hating every minute of this, you know, and what's more, this isn't Heaven, we're in Hell, and I'm these three ladies punishment"!

Ear or finger

A man and woman were sat in a pub enjoying a few drinks, when they started to argue about who enjoyed sex the most - men or women. The man said: "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman retorted. "Just think about this! When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wriggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear, or your finger!"

At the watchmaker's shop

A man was walking down the street when he stopped at a watchmaker's shop. Whilst looking in the window, he noticed a beautiful young female assistant serving at the counter. He entered the shop, walked up to the assistant, unzipped his pants and flopped his dick on the counter. What are you doing, Sir?" asked the shocked assistant. "This is a watchmakers shop!"

The man replied: "I know it is, and I'd like two hands and a face put on THIS!

Under the kilt

Two young women were on holiday in Scotland, when one of them noticed a good-looking bloke wearing a kilt. On telling her friend, her friend said: "I bet you're too shy to go over and talk to him." "You reckon, do you?" replied the rather well spoken first woman, and off she went to speak to him.

"I hope you don't think I'm being nosey," said the woman, "but I've always wondered what is worn under a Scotsman's kilt."

The Scotsman smiled and said: "Nothing's worn, my wee bonny lassy, everything's in perfect working order."

The doctor and the bikini-girl

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed. The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice: "Hi there handsome, how they hanging?" before rubbing her tits, wiggling her backside, and walking off.

"Who was that?" demanded the doctor's wife. "Oh, just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor. "Oh, yeah," snarled his wife, "in whose fuckin' profession, yours or hers?"

Flattening

A bloke stepped out of an off-licence carrying four cans of lager, when a steam roller mounted the pavement and ran straight over him. The horrified driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the vehicle, and ran back to where the bloke was lying. "Oh my god," screamed the driver, "he's dead, I've flattened him," he sobbed.

All of a sudden, the flattened bloke coughed. The driver couldn't believe it. "He's alive! He's alive!" he yelled ecstatically, "someone call an ambulance, quickly." "That won't be necessary," said the squashed bloke, as he stood up and dusted himself down. "Are you alright?" enquired the driver. "Yeah, I'll be OK," said the bloke, "but my beer's going to taste pretty fuckin' flat!"

Two women on the cow pasture

Two paralytic young women were returning from a night out on the town, when they decided to take a short cut through a cow pasture, after not being able to get a lift home.

They some became lost and ended up being separated. One of the women decided to double-back on herself to try and find the entrance to the field. As she staggered along, she suddenly tripped over her friend, who was lying flat on her back giggling as she sucked and played with a cow's udders.

"What are you doing?" screamed her friend. "Be quiet", replied the other woman, "someone's sure to give us a lift home if we stick with all these hunks!"

Four words

A bloke was stood in a pub minding his own business, when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman walked over to him and said: "I'll do anything, absolutely anything you want, no matter how kinky or perverse, for 100. However, there's one condition," she said.

"What's that?" asked the astonished bloke. The young woman replied: "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just four words!"

The shocked bloke, pulled out his wallet, casually counted out five 20 notes, and placed the money in the woman's hand. He then stared into her eyes, leaned over, and whispered into her ear: "Paint my fuckin' house!"

The old lady and the fairy

A little old lady was sat watching TV one day, when suddenly a fairy appeared. "Because you've led a good and honest life," said the fairy, "I've decided to grant you three wishes. You can wish for anything you want, just say the word, and with one wave of my magic wand, your wish will be granted."

The old lady couldn't believe it, so she asked the fairy to turn a bunch of flowers into a pile of crisp 50 notes. The fairy waved her magic wand and amazingly a huge pile of 50 notes appeared. "It's true," exclaimed the little old lady!" Now, I want you to make me young and beautiful again," she yelled. The fairy waved her wand, and within seconds the old lady was transformed into a beautiful young woman.

With one wish left, she asked the fairy to turn her dear old cat into a handsome young man. Within seconds, it was done.

"At last," said the once old, but now beautiful young woman to the man, who had earlier been her cat. "I want you to screw me senseless for the next year!" The man stared at her and said in a very high pitched voice: "Then you shouldn't have taken me to the vet's, should you!?"

Live to be a hundred

A bloke asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor said to the bloke: "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," replied the bloke, "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" enquired the doctor, "No, I've never done any of those things either,"

"Well then," said the doctor, "what the hell do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Something long and cold

A bloke walked into a pub on a blazing hot summer's evening and said to the landlord: "Can you give me something long, cold and half full of vodka?"

The Landlord paused for a second and said: "How about my wife?"

Infrequently

After courting for five years, an elderly couple decided to marry. Before the wedding, they discussed in fine detail how their marriage might work; their finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old man decided it was time to talk about the physical side of their relationship. He asked rather hopefully: "How do you feel about sex?"

The old lady replied: "Oh, I like to have it infrequently." The old man paused for a minute, and then enquired: "Was that one word or two?"!

The birthday present

A wealthy bloke asked his beautiful young wife what she'd like for her birthday. After thinking for a while, she smiled and replied: "A divorce".

"A divorce!" replied the bloke looking shocked, "I wasn't planning on spending that much!"

Bed performance

A Frenchman, an Italian and an Englishman were sat in a bar discussing their relative performance in bed.

The Frenchman said: "When ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet with my tongue, and she floats 6 inches above the bed in ecstasy."

The Italian said: "Dat is nothin, when I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats da 12 inches above the bed in pure ecstasy".

The Englishman replied: That's nothing, when I've finished shaggin' me missus, I get out of bed, walk over to the window, wipe my dick on the curtains, and she hits the roof"!

Haggling

A bloke casually wandered over to a beautiful young woman in a busy pub and said: "If I offered you 10, would you suck my dick?" "Certainly not!" retorted the young woman. "OK, no problem," replied the bloke as he walked back to the bar to continue drinking his pint.

15 minutes later, the bloke returned to where the woman was sat and said: "If I offered you 1000, would you suck my dick?" After pausing briefly, the woman replied: "Yes!" The bloke smiled, and said: "Great!" and strolled back to the bar, casually flicking his hair.

5 minutes later, the bloke returned yet again and said to the woman: "If I offered you 100, would you suck my dick?" "Certainly not!" exclaimed the woman, "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "Well," said the bloke, "We've already established that, now we're just haggling over the price"!

Bevor marriage

A young couple were discussing their forthcoming marriage arrangements with their local vicar, when the groom-to-be asked: "Do you approve of sex before marriage?"

The vicar paused for a moment and replied: "If it delays the service - no!"

An act of gross indecency

A beautiful young woman was appearing in court to face a public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the witness stand. The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded. "Not guilty," the woman answered emphatically.

The prosecution council then approached the woman and said: "Is it true that on the 11th of December, last year, you committed an act of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf - who was waving a union jack - on the roof of a car, whilst travelling at over 100mph through the centre of London, in a blizzard?"

The woman composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution council and calmly said: "What was the date again?"!

Sneezing

Two women were sat in a cafe, when one said to the other: "I've got a peculiar ailment. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

"Really! that's incredible," replied her friend. "What are you taking for it?"

The first woman smiled, reached across the table, and said: "Pepper!"

Sex on TV

A woman was walking down the high street when she was stopped by a man who was carrying out a survey. "Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling.

"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got a vase stuck up your arse"!

The door hinge

A woman walked into an ironmongers and bought a door hinge. The young, helpful, male assistant said: "Excuse me Mrs, would you like a screw for that hinge?"

The woman paused for a moment and replied: "No thanks, but I'll blow you for that kettle, over there!"

Inch for inch

A young mixed race couple decided to get married. On their wedding night, the virgin white bride was rather nervous, as she'd heard that coloured men were better endowed than white men. She explained this to her husband, who decided that the best way to get around the problem was for him to show her his manhood bit by bit.

As she lay on the bed naked, her husband shoved three inches of his dick around the door. "Are you nervous yet?" he asked. "No, I'm OK," she replied. He then shoved another six inches around the door, and said: "Are you still OK?" "Yes darling," she replied. A further 12 inches came around the door and the bride said: "I'm still not nervous".

"OK," replied her husband, "I'm now going to start coming up the stairs!"

Making ends meet

After months of trying to make ends meet, an elderly couple decided that the only way to survive was for the old lady to become a prostitute. That night, the woman went out looking for work. The next morning, the wife arrived home looking haggard and worn out. Her husband, guiltily asked how much she'd earned. His wife replied: " 230.50."

"That's absolutely amazing," replied the husband hugging his wife. "There's just one thing that's puzzling me" said the husband, "who gave you the 50p?"

His wife replied: "Everybody"!

Six hens

Two women were discussing their sex lives, when one asked: "Do you know where I can get six black hens?" The other looked bemused and replied: "Six black hens! why do you want six black hens?

Her friend replied: "Because my husband's got a dead cock and I want to use them as pall bearers!"

Nothing

A mother took her young son to the zoo. As they passed the elephant cage, the young boy noticed an elephant with an enormous hard-on. "What's that Mummy," he asked. "Nothing, darling, nothing!" replied his embarrassed mother, swiftly leading him on.

A week later, the young boy's father took him to the zoo, and the same thing happened. "What's that, Daddy?" enquired the young boy. His father looked at the elephant and replied: "That, son, is the elephant's penis." The young boy paused for a minute and said: "But, Mummy said it was nothing."

His father smiled and said: "That's because your mother's spoilt, son!"

The priesthood test

Three young men applied to become priests. Before they could join the priesthood, the wise old monk who ran the monastery, told them they'd have to have a preliminary screening examination. Each had to take his clothes off and attach a small bell to the end of his dick.

The old monk then returned with a beautiful young woman. Two of the men didn't flinch, but the man in the middle got excited, got a massive hard-on, and his bell began ringing. The monk told him he wasn't fit to lead the monastic life and told him to go. After begging forgiveness, the monk decided to give him one more chance.

He instructed the young woman to remove all her clothes, thus revealing her voluptuous body. Again, the man in the middle got an enormous hard-on and his bell began to ring again, but the other two's remained silent. "You aren't ready yet, my son, please leave," said the old monk.

The dejected young man turned around and bent over to pick up all his clothes, when suddenly the other two bells began ringing frantically!

Amnesia

The manager of a superstore was making mad passionate love to his secretary on his office desk, when unexpectedly, in walked the managing director of the company.

"Do you know who I am?" bellowed the MD.

The manager stopped what he was doing, turned round, stared at the MD, and sharply replied: "I don't fuckin' believe it! You're the third bloke this week that's walked into my office suffering from amnesia"!

The vasectomy

A man went into hospital to have a vasectomy. Shortly after recovering from his anaesthetic, the surgeon went to see him and said: "Well, Mr. Smith, I've got some good news and some bad news!"

"OK Doc, give me the bad news first," said Mr. Smith. "Well, I'm afraid we accidentally removed your bollocks during surgery." "I don't believe it," screamed Mr. Smith, bursting into tears.

"But the good news is," added the doctor, "that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they were benign"!

Pullu Alu

A bloke, on holiday in the Philippines, decided to rent a prostitute. As they began fuckin', she called out "Pullu Alu". Not being able to understand her, he assumed she was telling him to drive it home harder. As he continued, she again called out "Pullu Alu". This time, he did it even harder until he collapsed in a heap, exhausted.

The next day, he was playing golf with a Philippino friend. As he teed off, his friend shouted: "Pulla Alu! Pulla Alu." The mystified bloke looked at his friend and asked what he'd meant.

His friend replied: "Wrong hole! Wrong hole!"

Three Japanese businessmen

A waitress walked up to a table in a posh London restaurant and noticed that three Japanese businessmen were sat masturbating furiously.

"What do you think you are doing?" she exclaimed. One of the businessmen replied: "Can't you see? We are all velly hungry." The waitress replied: "So, how is playing with yourselves in the middle of the restaurant going to help the situation?"

One of the other businessmen replied: "Because menu say: 'First come, first served'!"

Airy

An American tourist was walking along a London street on a windy day, when he noticed a beautiful woman walking towards him. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew the woman's dress up, to reveal that she was wearing no knickers. The American, trying to sound as English as possible, said to the woman: "It's a bit airy, isn't it, love?"

The woman scowled and replied angrily: "What the hell did you expect, feathers?"

Love in the dark

A young woman was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence to make love in the dark. So, one night, during a passionate encounter, she switched on the bedroom light. To her amazement, she noticed her husband with a large cucumber in his hand. "Is this what you've been using on me for the last five years?" she screamed.

Her husband replied: "Darling, let me explain!"

"What's there to explain?" she fumed, "how could you possibly be so sneaky?"

"Speaking of sneaky," replied her husband, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids!"

The pay packet

It was rush hour on the London underground, when one particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said: "If you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to call the Police." The man, protesting his innocence said: "I don't know what you're talking about, miss. That's just my pay packet in my pocket."

"Oh really," retorted the woman, "well you certainly must have some high flying job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!"

The magic mirror

A young woman bought a mirror from an antique shop, and hung it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she jokingly said: "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust size forty-four. Instantly, there was a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grew to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she ran to tell her husband what had happened, and in minutes they both returned.

Her amazed husband, crossed his fingers and said: "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!"

Again, there was a bright flash and before he knew it, his legs had fallen off!

The amputee at the brothel

The madam of a brothel was surprised to see an amputee sat in a wheelchair when she answered the door of her establishment. "Look at yourself," the madam said pitifully, "no arms, no legs, what could you possibly do here?"

The amputee replied: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I!?"

The undone zip

A young, sweet, polite and very attractive secretary started working for her new employer. One day, while he was dictating a letter to her, she noticed his flies were undone. When leaving the room, she told him his barracks room door was open. It was only later that he understood what she'd meant, when he looked down and saw his zip undone.

He thought he'd make a joke of it, so later, when she was in his office he said: "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks room door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

She smiled and said: "No sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags"!

Dictate

An English teacher asked her class of young delinquents if anyone could spell the word 'Dictate'. Crusher raised his hand and said: "D-I-K-T-A-T-E." The teacher replied: "Sorry Crusher, that's wrong, anyone else?"

Bonehead shouted: "D-I-C-K-T-A-T-E." "Sorry Bonehead, wrong," replied the teacher. "How about you Susie, would you like to try?" Susie replied: "D-I-C-T-A-T-E." "Excellent Susie, that's correct. Now, who can use the word 'Dictate' in a sentence?" asked the teacher. Bonehead raised his hand and said: "I can." "OK, Bonehead, go ahead," said the teacher.

Bonehead yelled: "How did my dictate last night, Susie?"

The blind man

A woman was having a shower when she heard the doorbell ring. As she hurriedly got out of the shower to answer the door she couldn't find a towel. She decided not to answer the door and shouted: "Who is it?" "It's the blind man," a voice replied. If it's a blind man, she thought, she might as well open the door, which she did.

As the man entered the room, the woman was shocked when the man said: "Nice tits, love, which window do you want the blind putting on?"

Wendy

To show his girlfriend, Wendy, just how much he loved her, a young man had her name tattooed on his dick; so that when he became aroused she could read her name unfolding from 'WY' to 'Wendy'. One day on holiday in Jamaica, he entered a public toilet to take a piss. Stood next to him was an enormous native, who, he happened to notice, also had 'WY' tattooed on his dong.

Out of curiosity he said to the native: "I couldn't help but notice that you too have got 'WY' tattooed on your dick. Are you also seeing a woman called Wendy?"

"Wendy?" replied the native, "I don't know any woman called Wendy! My tattoo says: "Welcome to Jamaica, I hope you enjoy your stay!"

50 years ago

An elderly couple were sat having breakfast one morning when the old man said to his wife: "Just think, darling, we've been married for 50 years!"

"Yeah," she replied, "just think, 50 years ago we'd have been sat at this very table, probably stark bollock naked." The old man replied: "What's to stop us now?" "Nothing" replied his wife, and within minutes they were both sat at the breakfast table in their birthday suites. The old lady whispered breathlessly to her husband: "Well, darling, my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago!"

"I'm not surprised," replied her husband, "you've got one in your coffee and the other in your porridge!"

Membership

Three women were in a changing room after finishing their aerobics class, when suddenly a bloke wearing nothing but a bag over his head walked into the room. A he passed the first woman, she looked down at his dick and said: "Well, he's certainly not my husband!"

The second woman also looked down at his erect love monster and said: "He's not my husband either!"

As he passed the third woman, she looked at his tool and said: "Wait a minute, he's not even a member of this club!"

A little

A few months after their bitter divorce, a man noticed his ex-wife at the bar of a night club. He shouted over: "So, you're out looking for a little, eh?

She smiled sweetly and said: ."No, I had five years of that with you. Now, I'm out looking for a lot!"

The back door

After meeting in a pub, a couple returned to the woman's flat for a drink. It wasn't long before things became passionate, and the couple began tearing their clothes off as they headed for the bedroom. 15 minutes later, the woman suddenly jumped up in bed. "Oh my god," she cried, "it's my husband!"

"Shit," exclaimed the bloke, trying to find his pants "where's the back door?" "There isn't one," replied the woman, panicking.

"OK," said the bloke, "where would you like one?"

One minute

A bloke cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied. "Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband. His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a microwave?

Cotton wool

A beautiful young blonde was desperate to become rich, so she decided to marry an 80-year-old multi-millionaire. On their wedding night, she laid on the bed in a revealing negligee waiting to be joined by her husband. After about an hour, he walked out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a condom. She noticed that he also had cotton wool shoved up his nostrils and in his ears. Puzzled by this, she enquired: "Why have you got cotton wool up your nose and in your ears, darling?"

The old man replied: " There's two things in life I can't stand. One is a woman screaming, the other's the smell of burning rubber!"

My business

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "but go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "how many men have you slept with?" "That's my business," snapped the woman. "Oh, right!" said the bloke, "I didn't realise you made a living out of it!"

How women have babies

A 10 year-old girl ran home from school and excitedly said to her mother: "Mummy, Mummy, I've found out how women have babies."

"Well darling, just how do they have babies?" asked her mother inquisitively.

"Babies are made when a man sticks his penis in a woman's mouth," said the young girl.

"Oh no, darling," replied her mother, "that's how women get jewellery!"

The plastic companion

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said.

"What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

Speech impediment

Two life-long mates were enjoying a few pints down their local, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied the bloke's mate, "fire away."

"Well," said the first bloke, "why do you think all the blokes around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second bloke. "What do you mean her speech impediment," enquired the first bloke, "my wife hasn't got a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his mate, "you must be the only bloke who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

Polish american natives

A man was sat on a plane when he noticed a beautiful woman sat in the aisle opposite, reading a magazine. After a while he went over and introduced himself. "What are you reading?" he asked politely. "It's a magazine about penis size," smiled the woman. "Really!" said the man feeling slightly embarrassed.

"It says that native Americans have the thickest dicks of all men, and that Polish men have the longest. Anyway, I'm sorry, but I didn't get your name."

"That's OK," replied the man, "my name's Geronimo Kowalski!"

The blackboard

One day, a junior school teacher walked into her classroom and noticed a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her pupils, then rubbed it off without saying anything. The following day, she walked into the classroom and noticed a drawing of an even bigger penis on the blackboard. She frowned, then rubbed it off, again, without saying anything.

On the third day, she noticed a drawing of an even larger penis, so huge, it covered the entire blackboard. This time, she'd had enough. "What's the meaning of drawing a penis on the blackboard, and why does it get bigger every day?" she yelled.

A young boy raised his hand and shouted: "Because the more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"

Proper manners

A rather posh, nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and decided to reprimand him severely. She declared: "I demand proper manners in bed, just as I do at the dinner table."

Amused by his wife's formality, her husband smoothed his ruffled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better, darling?" he asked, trying not to laugh. "Yes," replied his wife, "much better."

"OK, my sweet," whispered her husband. "now would you be so kind as to pass me the juicy crotch!"

Married women

After finishing making mad passionate love, a beautiful young woman whispered to her fiancé: "Darling, will you still want to make love to me like that after we're married?"

Her fiancé, paused for a moment, smiled, then gently replied: "I think so, I've always been especially fond of married women."

The sex report

While teaching a course in human sexuality, a lecturer was discussing the results published in a recent report. Her pupils gasped aloud when she explained that one woman had had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A young male student enquired: "Wow, who was she?" A female student replied: "Never mind that, who was HE?"

Just made it

A man raced into to the gents toilets in a pub, ran up to the urinal , whipped out his 12 inch dick and said with a sigh of relief: "phew, just made it!"

The man next to him, looked over and said: "Pretty impressive, could you make me one too!"

Twenty lemons

A young woman decided to go to church to repent her sins. After entering the confessional box, she said: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." The priest said: "Confess your sins my child, and be forgiven."

The young woman said: "Well father, last night, my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me 20 times." The priest paused for a while and then said: "Well my child, squeeze 20 lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."

"Will this cleanse me of my sins, father?" asked the young woman. The priest replied: "No, but it'll certainly help wipe that dirty big smile off your face!"

Holy Water

While attending confession, the first of three young flatmates admitted to the priest that she had let a man fondle her tits. The priest paused for a moment, then told her to go and wash them in holy water.

The second flatmate confessed that she had touched a man's dick. The priest once again paused momentarily, then told her to wash her hands in holy water.

The two young women were busy washing at the font, when the third flatmate joined them and said: "Move over girls, I have to gargle!"

The tomatoes

A woman whose pride and joy was her vegetable garden, was deeply upset when none of her tomatoes had ripened. In despair, she turned to a neighbour, who's tomatoes were beautifully red and ripe, for some advice.

Her neighbour said: "This may sound stupid, but tonight, there's no moon. After dark, go into the garden and take all your clothes off. Because tomatoes can see in the dark, they'll be embarrassed and blush, and in the morning they'll be beautifully red and ripe." So, that night, the woman followed her neighbour's advice.

The next morning, her neighbour asked how things had gone. The woman said: "I'm not too sure. The tomatoes are still green, but the cucumbers are all four inches longer!"

Forty years of bad sex

One evening, an elderly couple were sat having their evening meal, when suddenly, the elderly woman stood up, rolled up a newspaper and proceeded to hit her husband across the head with it. "What was that for?" asked the elderly man. "That's for 40 years of crap sex," replied his wife.

The old man sat muttering for a couple of minutes, then rolled up his newspaper and began hitting his wife around the head. "Now, what's that for?" asked the old man's wife.

The old man replied: "That's for knowing the difference!"

The organ

A priest paid a visit to the home of a 95 year-old member of his congregation. While she was making tea, the priest looked around the living room and noticed a beautiful old organ with a cut glass bowl placed on top of it. On further inspection, he noticed the bowl was half filled with water and had a condom floating on the surface.

After tea, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked the old lady about it. She explained that when she'd been in town, she found a package on the pavement and took it home.

The instructions on the back said: Keep wet, and put on your organ to prevent disease. As the priest was about to leave, the little old lady said: "Do you know what father, I think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter!"

Sexual harassment

A distressed woman arrived home from work and said to her husband: "I'm going to sue my boss for sexual harassment."

"What did he say or do?" asked her angry husband. "He said my hair smells funny," replied his wife. "So, what's that got to do with sexual harassment?" enquired her puzzled husband.

His wife replied: "Because, my boss is a midget!"

In the lingerie shop

A man walked into a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife's birthday. The assistant asked the embarrassed husband what colour he'd like. He decided on plain white. "How much do you want to spend?" she asked. "About 10," replied the husband. "That's fine," replied the assistant, "Now, what size do you want?"

"I'm sorry, but I haven't the faintest idea what size she is," he answered. "Well sir, are her tits the size of a pair of melons, coconuts, grape fruits or oranges?"

"No, he said, "They're nothing like that." "There must be something your wife's tits resemble," questioned the assistant. The husband thought long and hard, then looked up and said: "Have you ever seen a spaniel's ears?"

The small tool

A man was extremely embarrassed about the size of his dick, and was afraid his girlfriend would end their relationship when she saw the size of it. One night when they were cuddling in a dark corner, he decided to risk letting her see it. He unzipped his pants, whipped out his small tool, and shoved it in her hand.

Nervously, he waited impatiently for her reaction. Then suddenly, his girlfriend said "What's that? You know I don't smoke!"

Chapped lips

Two old men were sat on a bench outside an old peoples home, when a young man strolled up and tied his dog to a post. He then patted the dog on the head, turned the dog around, kissed it's arse and said: "Good boy! you stay there, I'll be back soon, I'm just going to visit Grandma."

The two old men looked on in amazement. One of the men then said: "Excuse me, young man, but why did you kiss your dog's arse?" The young man replied: "Because I've got chapped lips." The old man paused for a minute and said: "Are you taking the piss? Are you trying to tell me that kissing your dog's arse will cure your chapped lips?

The young man smiled and replied: "No, but it'll stop me from licking them!"

Together

Attending the funeral of a woman who'd been married a dozen times, a friend sobbed to the priest: "Well, at least they're together." The priest looked around and said: "Which of her husband's is buried here?" "None," replied the friend.

The priest, looked puzzled and said: "But I thought you said at least they're together."

The friend replied: "I did, but I meant her legs!"

The bunch of flowers

Two women were happily chatting as they strolled down the high street on a Friday afternoon, when one said to the other: "Hey, Cindy, isn't that your husband over there coming out of the florists? He's bought you a lovely bunch of flowers."

Cindy, looked at her friend and replied: "I don't believe it, that means I'll be on my back with my legs open all weekend."

Her friend looked surprised and said: "Why, don't you have a vase?"

White wedding

A woman went to see her priest to ask his advice on her forthcoming marriage. "I'd like to wear white at my wedding, but I'm not sure if it's OK to do so. I've been married three times before, but I'm still a virgin," she said. The priest looked at the woman and asked inquisitively: "How is it possible that you're still a virgin?"

"Well," said the woman, "my first husband was a gynaecologist, and all he did was look at it. My second husband, was a psychiatrist and all he did was talk about it.

And my third husband, he was a gourmet chef!"

Constipation

A farmer went to see his vet and explained that his horse had been constipated for over a week. The vet reached for a bottle of pills and said to the farmer: "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end up the horse's arse and blow the pill into it's bowels."

The next morning, the farmer arrived back at the surgery looking pale and sickly.

"What happened?" asked the vet. The farmer replied: "The horse blew first!"

Self-raising

One day, a young man entered a general store, and asked the beautiful, young, mini-skirted woman for a loaf of self-raising bread, which was located on the very top shelf. The woman climbed up a ladder, reached for the bread, and provided the man with an excellent view of her firm cheeks.

It wasn't long before dozens of young men were going into the store and asking for self-raising bread. After a while, she became tired and irritated. She stood at the top of the ladder, and said to an elderly man stood amongst the throng: "Is yours self-raising too?"

The feeble old man croaked: "No, unfortunately, I need a little manual help!"

Falling out

An Irishman was driving along the motorway, when he was pulled over by a police patrol car. Did you realise your wife fell out of the car 10 miles back?" asked the police officer.

The Irishman replied: "Thank God for that, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Resuming the sex life

When a surgeon went to see his young patient on the day after her operation, she asked somewhat hesitantly: "Just how long will it be before I can resume my sex life?"

The stunned surgeon replied: "I hadn't really thought about it. You're the first woman to ask me that after having had a tonsillectomy!"

Cutting down

A wife arrived home from work unexpectedly one day to find her husband in bed with a female midget. Upset and furious over his actions, his wife screamed: "You promised me less than two weeks ago that you'd never be unfaithful again!"

Her husband, trying his best to calm her down, turned to his wife and said: "Take it easy darling, can't you see I'm trying to cut down!"

Waking up

A 90-year-old man woke up one morning with a huge hard-on. He whipped back the covers, and said to his wife rather excitedly: "What do you think of this big monster, darling?"

His wife turned over, took one look and said: "Now that you've got the wrinkles out of it, why don't you wash it!"

The Move

A middle-aged couple - who'd been married for 20 years - were making love, when suddenly the concerned husband said to his wife: "Am I hurting you, dear?"

"No, why do you ask?" enquired his wife.

"Because," replied her husband, "you've never moved before!"

The first time

A young inexperienced couple on their honeymoon, spent their first night together fuckin' like rabbits on speed - none stop - all night long. In the morning, after having a shower, the groom asked his bride if she could please fetch him a towel from the bedroom as there wasn't one in the bathroom.

On doing so, she saw him naked for the first time. "What is that!?" she asked shyly pointing to his miserably limp dick.

"That's what we had so much fun with last night," he replied nervously. His bride stared in amazement and said: "Is that all that's left?"

The stag night

A young man, celebrating his stag night with his mates, knocked himself out whilst dancing naked on a table, after hitting his erect dick on a chandelier in a night club. His concerned mates took him to hospital and his condition was stabilised by 4 tongue depressors, neatly bound with tape, being attached to his bruised and sore member.

The next day, with his bride unaware of any problems, the wedding went ahead perfectly. In their honeymoon suite, the bride, spread-eagled on the bed said to her husband: "Come and get it, darling, it's all yours. I'm untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool."

The groom smiled as he dropped his pyjamas and said: "Check this out, baby, it's still in the crate!"

Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy

Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy were engaged in an explicit sexual act, when unexpectedly, the phone rang. Kermit picked up the phone and sighed: "Yes?" A voice replied: "Hi Kermit, it's Fozzy bear. Is Miss Piggy there?"

"She sure is," replied Kermit. "Well, can I speak to her?" Kermit replied: "I'm sorry Fozzy, she can't speak right now, she's got a frog in her throat!"

The certificate

Two men were talking, when one said to the other: "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and what's more can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His mate said: "I've got the answer! Why don't you make her a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." "Brilliant!" replied the husband, running off to make the certificate.

The next day, the two men met. "Well, how did my suggestion go?" asked the husband's mate. "She loved it," replied the husband. "She jumped up and down, thanked me, kissed me, and then went out of the door yelling: "I'll see you in two hours!"

The posh hotel

An American couple, a Canadian couple and a British couple were having breakfast in a posh American hotel. The American wife, who enjoyed using puns, said to her husband: "Can you pass me the honey, please honey?"

Not wanting to be out-done, the Canadian wife turned to her husband and said: "Do you mind passing the sugar, please sugar?"

The English wife, also wanted to get in on the act, but couldn't think how she could emulate the other two wives. After pausing for a while, she leaned over to her husband and said: "Pass me the bacon, please pig!"

Insemination

A young woman arrived at a private clinic to be artificially inseminated with an anonymous donors sperm. After discussing the final details with the young doctor, he suddenly began to take his clothes off.

"And do you think you're doing?" she demanded.

"Sorry," replied the young doctor, "but we're out of the bottled stuff. I'm going to have to give you draft!"

The princess and the frog

A beautiful Princess frequently wandered through the local woods looking for an enchanted frog that might actually be a handsome young Prince caught under a spell. One day, she found an exceptionally ugly frog. She picked it up and asked: "Are you a Prince under a spell? If I kiss you, will you turn back into a Prince?

The frog replied: Yes I am, but it's such a strong spell that it'll probably take one hell of a good blow job!"

The panda

A panda walked into a pub and sat down for a drink. As he was downing his pint, he noticed a beautiful woman sat at the end of the bar, so he went over and started talking to her. It wasn't long before the woman asked the panda back to her place for a bite to eat. After having a wonderful meal, one thing led to another, and the panda ended up sleeping with the woman.

The next morning, as the panda was about to leave, the woman said: "Hey, wait a minute, I'm a prostitute." Not knowing what a prostitute was, the panda looked it up in a dictionary and was shocked to read the definition: 'Takes money for sex'.

The panda relaxed and replied: "That's alright because I'm a panda." The woman, bemused by the relevance, grabbed the dictionary and looked up panda and read the definition which said: 'Eats, shoots and leaves'!

Typical

A man parked his car in the car park outside a supermarket, got out of his car and was walking passed a shopping trolley when he heard a woman shout: "Excuse me, but do you want that trolley?"

The man replied: "No thanks, I'm only after one thing!"

As he headed towards the store entrance he turned round as he heard the woman murmur: "Typical male!"

Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs won the national lottery. So, to celebrate, they both hired two prostitutes and two luxurious rooms next to each other in a five-star hotel. The first dwarf tried all night to get aroused, but failed. He spent all night listening to his friend in the next room shouting: "One, two, three, huh, aah fuck me!"

The following morning, the second dwarf said to his friend: "So how did it go?" The first dwarf replied: "Absolutely terrible, I couldn't get a hard-on to save my life! How was your night?"

The second dwarf replied: "Even worse, I couldn't get on the bed!"

The young couple and the escaped convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up the young couple who'd been asleep in the bedroom. The voluptuous young wife was bound on the bed in a skimpy night dress. As the convict was ransacking their house, her husband seized the opportunity to whisper to her.

"Darling," said the husband, "this beast hasn't seen a woman for years. Just co-operate with him. If he wants to fuck you, just go along with it and pretend you like it; our lives depend on it."

His wife spat out her gag and said: "I'm so glad you feel that way, darling, because he just told me he thinks you've got a really nice looking arse!"

Graffiti

A young boy arrived home, puzzled by the meaning of some graffiti he'd seen written on the toilet walls at school. "Mum, what's a pussy?" he asked. His mother, showed him a picture of a cat and said: "That's a pussy son. A pussy is a cat." "What's a bitch, then?" enquired the precocious little tyke. His mother got out the dictionary, looked up the word bitch and said: "There, a bitch is a female dog."

Not satisfied, he decided to ask his Father what a pussy was. His Father, went upstairs, brought down a dirty magazine, drew a circle around the genital region and said: "That's a pussy right there, son, and a fine specimen it is too."

"Well what's a bitch, then?" asked the young boy inquisitively. His father looked at his son and said: "That's everything outside the circle!"

The message

A beautiful young woman walked up to the bar in a quiet country pub and asked to speak to the landlord. "I'm sorry," replied the barman, "but he's not available at the moment. Can I help?" The woman seductively signalled him to bring his face closer to hers. When he did, she rubbed her fingers through his hair and began stroking his face with both hands.

"I'd like you to give him a message," she said huskily, popping her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Could you tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies!"

The heart-to-heart talk

A young woman on her first visit home since starting university, was sat having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother.

"I've got a confession to make," said the young woman to her mother. "What is it, darling?" enquired her mother. "Well, last weekend I lost my virginity."

Her understanding mother replied: "Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later, you've turned out to be a beautiful young woman. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."

"Well, yes and no," replied her daughter, "I thoroughly enjoyed the first rugby team, they felt great, but after that, my crotch became really sore"!

The young woman and the Greek

A young virgin decided to marry a Greek bloke. Before the wedding, her father explained that her husband, being Greek, might one day ask her to turn the other way in bed. However, if she didn't want to do it, she didn't have to.

After a couple of months, sure enough, her husband asked her to turn over. She said to her husband: "No, my Father told me I don't have to do that if I don't want to." "OK, that's fine by me," said her husband, "but I thought you wanted to have children!"

Three women eating bananas

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were strolling passed three women eating bananas on a park bench, when Sherlock Holmes said: "Good evening ladies." Dr Watson enquired: "Do you know them?" "No, I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride," replied Holmes.

"Good Lord, Holmes," exclaimed Watson, "how in the world did you know all that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson," replied Holmes. "The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand, using her fingers to break it up into small pieces. The prostitute, grabbed with both hands and shoved the whole thing in her mouth."

"Amazing," exclaimed Watson, "but how did you know the third was a newlywed?" "Piss simple, Watson," answered Holmes, "she held the banana in one hand and pushed her head towards it with the other!"

The wishing well

To celebrate their 20th Wedding Anniversary, a couple decided to go on a dream holiday to Canada. Whilst there, they decided to visit Niagara Falls. On their way towards the falls, they came across a sign which said 'Wishing Well - Next Left'. Somewhat dubious, they followed the road which led to an old stone well.

The man read the instructions, leaned over the well, threw in a pound coin, and made a wish. Then his wife did likewise. However, as she leaned over, she slipped, lost her balance, and fell into the well and drowned. Her shocked husband stepped back, dropped to his hands and knees and sobbed: "I don't believe it, it really works!"

Appointments

One night as a young couple were settling down to sleep, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said: "I'm sorry darling, but I've got a gynaecologists appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The rejected husband turned over and tried to go to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolled back over and whispered into her ear: "Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow as well?"

Celebrating anniversaries

A man and his elderly boss, were enjoying a quiet drink after work, when the man said to his boss: "Just think, this time next week, the wife and I will be celebrating our 10th Wedding Anniversary!"

His boss congratulated him, bought him a drink, and told him that for his 25th Wedding Anniversary, he'd taken his wife to France. "That's great," replied the man, "what are you going to do for your 50th Anniversary?"

The boss smiled and said: "I'm going back to get her!"

Good and bad news

A woman phoned her husband at work with an urgent message. "Hello darling, I've got some good news and some bad news," she said. Her husband replied: "I'm sorry dear, but I can't chat right now as I'm extremely busy. So, why don't you just give me the good news?"

"OK," said his wife, "well, I thought you'd be pleased to know that at least the air bag works!"

The fireman and his wife

A fireman sped home from work eager to tell his beautiful young wife of an idea that would help to improve their sex lives. "We've got this fantastic new system at work," he said. "When bell number 1 rings, we put on all our gear. When bell number 2 rings, we slide down the pole and jump into the fire engine. When bell number 3 rings, we race to the fire," he said enthusiastically. "We'll use the same system when we're going to make love," he panted. "When bell number one rings, we'll strip naked. When bell number 2 rings, we'll jump into bed. When bell number 3 rings, we'll fuck like rabbits.

They decided to give it a test run. A few minutes after bell number three had rang, the fireman's wife screamed: "Oh, bell number 4, bell number 4!" The confused husband said: "What's bell number 4?" His wife screamed: "More hose! More hose! you're not reaching the fire!"

The tattoo on the back

A woman whose husband had a massive crush on Linda Lusardi, decided to have the letters 'LL' tattooed on her tits to win back his attentions. The tatooist warned that age and gravity would probably make this unattractive in later life, and suggested having the tattoo on her behind. She agreed, and had the letter 'L' tattooed on each buttock.

That night, as her husband returned home from work, she greeted him by turning round, bending over, and lifting her skirt to reveal the artwork.

"What do you think?" she asked. Her husband stared in disbelief and said: "Who the fuck's LOL?"

The statue of Venus

A history teacher brought a statue of Venus into school to show her pupils. "What do you like about it most, class?" she asked. "Let's start with you, Herbert." Young Herbert examined the statue and said: "The artwork, Miss." "Very good, Herbert," exclaimed the teacher. "Now, what about you, Cedric?"

"Her enormous tits!" replied young Cedric. "Don't be so disgusting," replied the horrified teacher, "leave this class immediately, and go and stand in the corridor." Gathering her composure, the teacher looked at young Percival and said: "What do you think, Percival?

Percival carefully looked at the statue and said: "I'm leaving, miss, I'm leaving!"

Puppies

A young boy was walking through a park with his Father, when they saw two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. The young boy said to his Father: "Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?" His Father replied: "They're making puppies, son."

Later that night, the young boy walked into his parents bedroom as they were making love. "Daddy, what are you and Mummy doing?" he asked. His Father replied: "We're making you a little sister, son."

The young boy thought for a few minutes and said: "Well, Daddy, could you climb on Mummy's back because I'd rather have a puppy"!

Three homeless young men

Three homeless young men were huddled together to keep warm, on a bitterly cold winter's night. In the morning, the bloke on the right said: "Last night, I dreamt that someone was pulling my dick." The bloke on the left said: "That's weird, I also dreamt that someone was pulling on my dick."

The bloke in the middle said: I dreamt that I went skiing!"

Keep the old motor running

When a 90 year old man married a 18 year old girl, it was the talking point of the whole village. A year after being married, the young girl went into the hospital to give birth. A nurse went over to the old man to congratulate him, and said: "It's amazing. How do you manage it at your age?" The old man answered: "It's simple really, you've just got to make sure that you keep the old motor running!"

The following year, his young wife gave birth again. The same nurse said: "You really are amazing! How do you do it?" Once again, the old man said: "It's simple really, you've just got to make sure that you keep the old motor running!" The same thing happened again the following year. The nurse said: "You must be quite a man." The old man smiled, and once again said: "You've just got to make sure you keep that old motor running!" The nurse then said: "Well, you'd better change the oil in that old motor, because this one's black!"

The yuppie

A yuppie opened the door of his brand new BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my BMW!," he whinged.

The officer retorted: "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me puke. You're so bothered about your stupid BMW, that you haven't even noticed your left arm's been ripped off."

"Oh my gaaawd!" replied the yuppie, as he stared at his left shoulder socket where his arm had once been. Suddenly, he went into shock. He jumped up and down frantically, then ran head first into a nearby brick wall, and screamed: "Where's my Rolex!?

Bad Lover

The morning after their wedding night, a young bride said to her husband: "Do you know something, you're a really bad lover!"

The young husband replied: "And how would you know, after only 45 seconds?"

The return ticket

An Irishman walked up to the counter at Heathrow Airport and asked the representative for a return ticket. "Where to, sir?" enquired the rep.

With a puzzled look on his face, the Irishman replied: "Back here, of course!"

A different father

A very elderly couple were having a lavish meal to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary, when suddenly, the old man leaned across the table and said to his wife: "Dear, there's something I've got to ask you, it's been bothering me for years." "What is it?" asked his wife. "Why is it our 10th child never looked like the rest of our children, did he have a different father?" His wife dropped her head in shame and confessed: "Yes, yes he did."

With a tear in his eye, and a trembling voice, her husband said: "Who was he, who was the father?" Again his wife dropped her head in shame. After finally mustering up the courage to tell her husband, she replied: "You!"

Social intercourse

An intelligent bloke and a thick bloke were sat in a quiet country pub looking miserable, when the intelligent bloke said: "You know what I could just do with?" "No, what's that?" replied the thick bloke. "Some stimulating social intercourse to cheer me up!"

The thick bloke replied: "Yeah, me to!" The intelligent bloke, scratched his head, thought for a while, rubbed his chin for a couple of minutes, and said: "Where do you suppose we'll find some around here?" The thick bloke, looked at the intelligent bloke and said: "I haven't a fuckin' clue, but if we head into the nearest town, I suppose we could try looking for a brothel!"

The first man

A young couple were gently cuddling each other in bed, when the bloke rather proudly said to his girlfriend: "Am I the first man that you've ever made love to?" His girlfriend, leaned back, looked him in the eyes and said: "You might be, your face looks slightly familiar!"

Hanging horses

Two young women were walking along the street discussing their past and present relationships . One young woman said to her rather nave friend: "My last boyfriend was hung like a horse!" Her friend, looked shocked and stopped dead in her tracks. "You're joking," she exclaimed, "I thought they'd abolished hanging years ago, and I certainly had no idea they hung horses!"

Two old friends

Two blokes were sat getting pissed in their local, when one said to the other: "Being as though we've been mates for years, there's been something I've been wanting to tell you for ages." His mate, patted him on the back and slurred: "Go ahead mate, you can tell me absolutely anything. After all, what are friends for?"

"Well," said the first bloke, "I don't know how to put this, but to be perfectly honest, you're one of the most boring twats I've ever met in my entire life!"

"Is that is?" replied the second bloke, falling off his bar stool. "Thank for that, I thought you were going to tell me you'd been shaggin' my missus or something!"

The first bloke looked at his mate who was collapsed in a heap on he floor, and said: "Shit! I thought I'd told you about that the last time we were pissed!"

The perfect shot

Two men had been playing golf for over four hours when they finally reached the 18th hole. After standing over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, checking the wind speed and direction, his partner became infuriated.

"What's taking so fuckin' long?" he asked, "Just hit the ball!"

His mate replied: "My wife's up there watching from the clubhouse, and I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner replied: "Forget it, you'll never be able to hit her from here!"

The secrets of a happy marriage

At his wedding reception, the young groom's grandad congratulated his grandson and said: "The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage, is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other's wishes and to try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma's and mine has." Thanking him for his advice, the grandson said: "What's sex like then when you get older, grandad?"

His grandad looked at his grandson, smiled and said: "Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!"

The halo

An extremely annoying, self-righteous bastard, went to see his doctor and said: "Doctor, I feel like shit. Please examine me and tell me what's wrong!" The doctor said: "First, I'll need to ask you a few questions." "OK," said the man.

"Do you drink much alcohol?" asked the doctor. The man replied: "I'm a teetotaller."

"What about smoking?" asked the doctor. "I've never smoked a filthy disgusting cigarette in my life," answered the man.

"Well, what about your sex life?" asked the doctor. "I've remained celibate all my life," replied the man.

The doctor paused, stared the man in the eyes, and said: "Well, do you suffer from pains in your head?" "Yes, I have terrible pains in the head," shouted the man.

"That's it! I've got it," exclaimed the doctor. "Your halo fits too tight!"

Take your choice

A 90 year-old man married a drop-dead gorgeous 21 year-old woman. When they got into bed on their wedding night, the old man smiled at his young wife and held up both hands.

"Oh darling," said his young nympho bride, "does that mean we're going to do it 10 times?"

"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick!"

Storks

As they strolled through a wildlife park, a young boy said to his father: "Dad, do you know why storks lift one leg when they eat?"

"Of course I do son," replied his father smiling proudly, "if they lifted two, they'd fall over!"

Oral sex

On his wedding night, a rather worried, inexperienced young bridegroom said to his grandad: "Grandad, how often do you reckon I should plan to have sex?" His grandad replied: "When you're first married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Later on, maybe once a week or so, then as you get older, maybe once a month. When you're really old, you're lucky to have it once a year - maybe on your anniversary."

"What about nowadays?" asked his grandson. "Well, these days, we just have oral sex." "What's oral sex?" asked the grandson. "Well," said his grandad: "your grandma goes to bed in HER bedroom, I go to bed in MY bedroom and she yells: "fuck you," and I yell back: "fuck you too!"

Telepathy

There once were two men who were telepathic. One lived in England, and the other in Australia.

One day, the Englishman was receiving a blow job from an 80 year-old woman with a horrendous cough, whilst at the same time, the Australian was walking a tightrope over a crocodile-infested river.

It just goes to show how amazing the powers of telepathy are; who'd have thought that they were both thinking: "For fuck's sake, don't look down, don't look down!"

Sex education

A grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, said to her 11-year-old grandson: "What did you learn at school today?" Matter-of-factly, he replied: "Everything about sex education; dicks, pussies, shaggin', and all that sort of shit!" The shocked old lady later told her daughter, who replied: "Mam, this is the Nineties, it's all part of the school curriculum."

A couple of hours later, grandma went upstairs to tell her grandson his dinner was ready. She knocked on his bedroom door and then entered, to find her grandson wanking himself into an uncontrollable frenzy on the end of his bed.

"Darling," she said, "your dinner's ready, so you'd better hurry up and finish your homework, before your dinner goes cold!"

The Jumbo-dick

A man went to see his doctor to see if anything could be done to increase the size of his incredibly small dick. The doctor told him to drop his pants and proceeded to examine him. The doctor tried his hardest not to piss himself as he felt the man's miniature codpiece, but ended up releasing a thunderous roar of laughter. "You're right," said the doctor, "you've definitely got an extremely small fuckin' dick, in fact the smallest I've ever seen. I'll see what I can do to help."

The doctor then remembered a new technique that had been recently developed. "Actually, you're in luck," said the doctor as he began to explain the operation to the man. "What we do, is take tissue from the trunk of a new-born baby elephant and attach it to your dick. Then, when the nerves in the tissue begin to join up with the nerves in your dick, it immediately starts to grow. It doesn't hurt you, it doesn't hurt the elephant, so therefore, everybody's happy.

The doctor arranged for the man to be put on the waiting list for the operation, and after a few months the man went into hospital for surgery. After spending a couple of months convalescing, the man managed to pluck up the courage to ask a young woman he'd met, out for a date.

The couple decided to go for a meal at a posh restaurant in the centre of town. They were sat enjoying their meal and chatting away getting to know each other, when suddenly, the man's dick ripped through his pants, snaked up over the top of the table, grabbed a biscuit, and then disappeared back under the table.

The young woman's eyes almost popped out of her head in amazement. "Can you do that again?" she asked excitedly. The man gasped and replied: "I think so, but I don't think my arse can handle another biscuit!"

The heart transplant

A prostitute went to visit a colleague in hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant. The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said: "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?" The doctor replied: "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"

The patient's friend replied: "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?" "Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

Nine inches

A young playboy was stood in a night club, when he noticed a beautiful young woman sat with her friends at a table. He casually strolled over to the table, tapped the woman on the shoulder, and whispered into her ear: "How'd you like to go back to my place and I'll slip you nine inches?"

The woman smiled and said: "Too right! I've never slept with a man with the ability to be able to fuck three times in a row!"

The hoarse ride

A young boy was woken in the middle of the night by the sounds of moaning and groaning coming from his parents bedroom. He peered around their bedroom door and caught them having full-on gorilla sex. Before they could react, the young boy exclaimed: "Oh, boy, horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

His father, relieved that his son wasn't asking more uncomfortable questions, and not wanting to break his stride, agreed. So, the little boy jumped on, and his dad continued his performance.

After a while, the young boy noticed his mother moaning and gasping. He shouted: "Hold on daddy, this is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

You're next!

A man who was not too bright suspected his wife of being unfaithful and began to follow her movements. His suspicions were justified, when he arrived home from work early and found her in bed with her lover.

The man pulled out a revolver and put it to his head. "Don't laugh," he shouted at his giggling wife, "you're next!"

Jesus Christ

Three wise men arrived in Bethlehem to visit the holy child, who was lying in the manger. One of the wise men was an exceptionally tall bastard, and banged his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus fuckin' Christ!" he yelled.

Joseph turned to Mary and said: "Quickly, write that down, it's better than fuckin' Horace!"

The woman and the goblin

A woman ran out of her house one morning and caught a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin, aren't you?" she said, "and I've caught you, so you owe me three wishes." "OK," replied the goblin, "you caught me fair and square, so, what's your first wish?"

"I want a huge mansion to live in," said the woman. "OK, you've got it," replied the goblin. "My second wish is a Rolls Royce," "OK, you've got that too," replied the goblin. "My third wish is to be a millionaire." "OK, you've got that as well, but to make sure your wishes come true, you've got to fuck me all night," said the goblin."

The woman agreed, and the next morning she was woken by the goblin. "Tell me," said the goblin, "how old are you?" "I'm 36," replied the woman. The goblin paused and said: "Fuck me, 36 and you still believe in goblins!"

On the freighter

A depressed young woman was just about to end it all by throwing herself into the sea, when she was saved by a handsome young sailor. He told her she had a lot to live for, and said: "You can stowaway on my ship if you like, as we're off to the Philippines. When we get there we can run away together." He placed his arm around her and said: "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The woman agreed, and that night the sailor took her aboard his ship and hid her in a lifeboat. Every night he brought her plenty to eat and drink, and they fucked like rabbits until dawn.

A week later, she was discovered by the captain, during a routine search. She explained that she had an arrangement with one of his sailors. "He's taking me to the Philippines, and he's fucking me," she said. The captain replied: "He most certainly is, this is the Dover to Calais ferry!"

The young playboy

A young playboy went over to a drop-dead gorgeous woman in a pub, and said: "If I politely asked you for a date, what would you say?" The woman, looked him up and down, thought for a minute, smiled and replied: "I'd politely tell you to fuck off!"